"Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty.
It is not.
It is the opposite of vulgarity."
OK, guys, this is a serious call to action.
If any of these items are still in your life... BURN THEM (and the factory they came from).
Offender #1 - Crocs
When I see humans wearing crocs, I'm just like "OH MY GOD, how are these still in production??? How is there still demand for this hideous, dated, unflattering rubbish?"
My eyes are bleeeeding...please stop!!
What can you do instead?
Pretty much anything would be better, really.
But no, seriously, a pair of lightweight slip-ons would be a great option.
Depends on your style really. If you're a classic type you could do loafers, if you're sporty you could do Vans or Converse.
Here's an idea, a funky pair of espadrilles (these are from Aquilla)
Offender #2 - Cargo pants (and shorts)
OK - First of all, if you're a tradesman and you need these for work, obviously that's all good (for work, at work, yeah?).
But, if you're wearing them anywhere but work - please stop.
Stop, and BURN THEM!
They are unflattering, they add bulk where no one needs it and they are ugly AF.
What can you do instead?
A pair of flat front, slim cotton chinos. They look great and go with everything from casual to smart.
(These are from Calibre)
Another option for the funky, sporty boys is drop crotch, drawstring pants. I'm currently a bit obsessed with this Austrian brand, Sernes. Obviously, these are not for everyone, but they are pretty cool if you can rock this style.
Offender #3 - Sports Shades
Come on, Obama, you know better!!!
Sports shades don't go with anything but activewear. Definitely not with a suit.
If you know anything about me, you know about my excessive and dynamic eyewear collection.
Eyewear is such a fun way to keep your style vibing. It's like being in character.
So, find something flattering that suits your face (and in my opinion, you should have at least 3 pairs that are different so you can change things up) and BURN those sports shades!
Some variation of the Wayfarer style work for most, but the sky is the limit.
Offender #4 - Square toes dress shoes
No NO HASHTAGNO!
I cannot even begin to tell you how offended I am by the existence of these.
They are chunky, cheap, nasty and dated and are 100% guaranteed to prevent you from getting the job and the girl.
HOW DO PEOPLE STILL WEAR THESE????
What can you wear instead?
Current, classic dress shoes (leather is always best).
Of course, you can select any design, colour etc. But, if you're wearing square toes you probably need the basics. Something like this is a good place to start:
Offender #5 - Long Boardshorts
OMG my eyes....
Why are they even called boardSHORTS?? They should be called boardLONGS.
They are so unflattering, cutting you off at the knee for that "short legs long torso" look everyone just loves. NOT.
Also - How are these even comfortable? Swimming in them must feel so awkward and sticky.
There are so many awesome styles out there now.
This length is so much more flattering (my eyes are already thanking me for this image).
Check these out (and burn the long ones please)
- These are from Bluemint
Section 2: How to incinerate your hideous clothes:
Jokes, as you know, I love the environment and if we set Crocs, synthetic boardshorts and rubber-soled shoes on fire it's definitely not going to be kind to Mother Earth.
But on a slightly less cheeky note, if any of these offenders are anywhere in your life, it's a sign it's time for you to get in touch with someone who will lift your game and your confidence and make you feel like a king.
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